TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
