Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
