Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
