Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
