You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
