his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
