If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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