I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
