When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
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I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize