Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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