Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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