Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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