I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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