He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
