Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
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Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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