I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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