I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
