I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
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