He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
