I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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