there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
