Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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