I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I will pee on everything he values.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
