when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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