nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
