tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
