what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I wish I only lived at night.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
