I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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