Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
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I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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