I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Be still, my beating vagina.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
