Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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