I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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