we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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