I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
