I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
