This house was built for laser tag.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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