I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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