Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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