Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
