Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
