If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
