He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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