While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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