please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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