Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
