I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
