At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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