i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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