This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
