Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
