Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
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Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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