umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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