The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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