Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize