Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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