In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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