then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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