She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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