The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
