Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
