before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
