I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
